When You Find Yourself On the Receiving End



This is my crazy month at the back of the food pantry with our big annual food drive. Things are also getting busy in the front of the pantry with clients. With oil prices plummeting and jobs disappearing, I heard a few statements like this last week: “I’ve never done this before”…”I’ve never lost a job, and now I wonder if I’ll ever get one again in my 60’s”…”I’ve never been in a food pantry”…and from a 16 year old girl of a single Mom, “It’s nice not to worry if I’ll get to eat dinner for a few days. This is awesome.”

We talk a lot about giving, but we don’t talk as much about receiving. From my observations and personal experience, I believe these 2 things go hand in hand.

There are many reasons people give. They give to follow religious rules. They give to be seen as givers. They give because it is expected of them. They give because they feel guilty. And then there are those who give because it is their nature. It is like breathing. They give as if they have received something in such bounty that it is constantly spilling over their edges.

In the nonprofit world of children’s homes, churches, and food pantries, I have watched and participated in this dance of giver and receiver for decades. And I have seen that the most gracious receivers are often those who have been the most generous givers – givers of whatever they have to give, be it money, food, and clothing, or kindness, grace, and hugs. They walk into any given space and view the humanity around them with the humble knowing that they are deeply connected, that had they walked the same path as another, they would be in the same leaky boat or sinking even faster. Sometimes it’s because they have actually been in that boat. Other times, they simply know themselves well enough to be compassionate when dealing with human weakness.

So when their number is up, when their job vanishes, when they get sick, when they stumble into moral failure, they are not shocked and dismayed. They have lived their lives knowing – there by the grace of God go I… When they suddenly find themselves in their own tough spot, they are able to receive the hand of grace from another with genuine humility. They receive from a place of God-given-self-love that blesses the giver as much or more as the giver is blessing them.

Brené Brown in Rising Strong: “I define wholehearted living as engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” When we receive from a place of worthiness, we are fun to give to!

The other kinds of receiving are heart-wrenching to watch – the receiving that comes doused with guilt, anger, or pride. These poor souls still have to take the food because they are hungry or the jacket because they are cold, but they resent the giver as much as they resent the circumstances that led them there.

The gifts that are bestowed upon them feel like burdens instead of blessings, and the givers are challenged to find joy in such a process. Or, even worse, they cannot receive gifts at all and choose instead to wallow in unnecessary misery. Receiving a gift requires space to absorb it.

If our heart is completely full or ourselves – our pride, our fear, our anger – there is no room for gifts.

The hope of my heart is to learn to be as gracious in receiving as I am in giving. For I have received grace and mercy that is unexplainable – from God, from family, from friends. It has reached into the deepest crevices of my heart, and I am learning to soak it in like a sponge. My hope is that I will be able to draw deeply from the grace my heart has stored up in order to give more deeply to whoever comes my way.

Like it or not, if any of us live a long life on this earth, we will be receivers in the end. From what I have witnessed, old age is a grand distiller. It whittles away at us until we are left with the essence, the core of who we are. We can become exaggerated version of our younger personalities, and that can be ugly or radiant.

Time will blow away the chaff and leave the grain. What is my grain? What is the kernel at the heart of things? I hope to purposely practice authentic, joyful giving and receiving so that authenticity is what will be left in the end.

I am a big giver (keep reading). That is the truth, and yet it tells you little about me. There have been times when I have given spontaneously from a place of goodness and mercy. But do not be deceived, my friend. I am often a people pleaser. My striving to make others happy comes from a place of fear and insecurity. When I am giving from that place, it is a sick and manipulative effort. And although it might have the appearance of generosity, it is in fact a way of taking from others what I need. Tricky, huh?

As I have stumbled through this life, with each fall and each recovery, I have relinquished a little bit of that need to please. I have accepted more of God’s grace and mercy, and love has slipped in through the cracks and settled in deep places. My brokenness has led to my healing, and from my healing, I can now offer healing to others. When I give from that real place, that raw place, I also grow in my ability to receive well. And receiving well is a gift back to the giver – my thank you gift.

We often talk of downward cycles – addiction, abuse, dependence, etc… In contrast, authentic giving and receiving is an upward cycle. The way one feeds into the other is a thing of astonishing beauty.


The past couple years have been a particular season of receiving from God and others – one season of many. It challenged my pride, but love won and my heart opened. Now I can give from a place of deeper understanding and vulnerability. I pray that I will file away this receiving experience and find even greater joy and gratitude next time I am in need of rescue. This is the deep community we all silently long for. And we can have it!

I’d love to hear from you – do you find it hard to receive? And how are you challenged as a giver?

Loud and Clear – Authors Aligned


I’ve got books running out my ears, overflowing bedside tables, desks, and coffee table. Sometimes, I think it would be better to read one at a time, but I have reading ADD. So, right now there are 4 (officially) going at once. And this time, instead of being confusing, the stars aligned and the combination is magic. It’s like the authors got together and planned it just for me. I’m only part-way in to each of these, but I am so excited about what I am learning, I need to record it in stages.

From Secrets in the Dark by Frederick Buechner: “But the danger is that there are so many voices and they all in their ways sound so promising. The danger is that you will not listen to the voice that speaks to you through the seagull mounting the gray wind, say, or the vision in the temple, that you do not listen to the voice inside you or to the voice that speaks from the outside but specifically to you out of the specific events of your life, but that instead you listen to the great blaring, boring, banal voice of our mass culture, which threatens to deafen us all by blasting forth that the only thing that really matters about your work is how much it will get you in the way of salary and status.”

From Louder Than Words by Todd Henry: “Your authentic voice is the expression of your compelling “why.” It defines the space that you are wired to occupy, and the unique value you are capable of contributing, which means that if you don’t use it, then that contribution is unlikely ever to be seen.”

From Rising Strong by Brene’ Brown: “I told him that with every ounce of my professional and personal being, I believe that vulnerability – the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome – is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy.”

From Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, “I was learning the craft of poetry, which really was an intensive version of what my mother had taught me all those years ago – the craft of writing as the art of thinking. Poetry aims for an economy of truth – loose and useless words must be discarded, and I found that these loose and useless words were not separate from loose and useless thoughts.”

A note on this last book – this is a tough and jarring book that leaves me gasping and confused at times, that makes me struggle with my view of myself as the truth about the struggles within the black communities are laid bare. This book is prose written as tightly as the best poetry by a man who has found his voice and is willing to share it with astonishing vulnerability.

These 4 books taken together challenge me from every angle – from the practical with Todd Henry, to the psychological with Brene’ Brown, the deeply spiritual with Frederick Buechner, and the brutal intellect of Ta-Nehisi Coates. Any one of these books would change me. All together, this season of reading will be unforgettable.